My Year of Schlock #2: Terminator II A.K.A. Shocking Dark (1989)

Do you love Terminator 2? No, not James Cameron’s classic 1991 sequel, but the Italian rip-off of James Cameron’s other classic sequel, 1986’s Aliens. Confused? So am I, but that’s not going to stop me from informing you about Bruno Mattei’s terrible 1989 sci-fi, best known as Shocking Dark. Do you wish Aliens starred actors who sound like porn stars (Haven Tyler, anyone?), was filmed in a disused factory, and abruptly turned into a Terminator rip-off one hour in? If so, I have the film for you!

If you’ve never been exposed to Bruno Mattei, he was best known for writing and directing rip-offs of other, better American films, including the low budget Predator knock off Robowar and the shamelessly derivative Cruel Jaws. Despite taking place in dystopian Venice and being set mostly in the ‘sewers’, Shocking Dark accurately recreates the plot and characters of Aliens, though it goes without saying that you haven’t heard of any of these actors and none of them are good. I say ‘sewers’, but it’s very hard to figure out where much of the film is meant to be taking place. When the gang tool up, they hang out in what is definitely a men’s locker room, but the bulk of the action takes place in a factory, presumably to keep the budget low.

Bad acting is subjective; what deserves an Oscar to one person is terrible to another (see: Sean Penn in Mystic River). However, Shocking Dark contains multiple examples of what is objectively terrible acting. It generally falls into two categories: hamming it up by shouting your lines as loudly as possible, or being so low-energy you seem like you’re suffering from some sort of deficiency (Tyler, playing Ripley Sara, is so dull she could have gotten voiceover work in PS1 games). If only the production values were any better; instead, we get monsters that would have been rejected by 60s era Doctor Who producers for being too unconvincing.

Though some of the gun battles are perfectly acceptable, and there’s plenty of awful dialogue for bad cinema connoisseurs (“Let’s break out the KY and shaft them real good!” shouts the most porno looking actor in the film), Shocking Dark is mostly boring, featuring some of the slowest chase scenes ever put to film. After an hour of sub-Aliens action, however, the film transforms into a Terminator rip-off quite effectively. By which I mean, a character who hadn’t previously registered with me is suddenly revealed to be a Terminator replicant created by the Tubular Corporation and kills the characters in agonisingly slow fashion.

Before I rank Shocking Dark on the NOPE scale (and be assured, it’s going to get rinsed), I was left so furious by one particular element that I have to mention it. In true Aliens fashion, the team discover a young girl hiding (Newt in Aliens, Samantha here). While I couldn’t tell you whether child actress Dominica Coulson is Italian or French or British (she often sounds like all three mangled together), I can confirm that Samantha is one of the most annoying characters in the history of cinema, shrieking “SARA!” over and over again for the last ten minutes of the film in ear-piercing fashion. Then time travel is introduced just before the credits roll. Shocking Dark is that kind of film.

NOPE Rating

Nastiness: 1.5

Most of the characters are killed by being strangled – boring!

Originality: 1

Are you taking the piss?

Production: 2

This look hideously cheap, though at least the gun battles are pretty convincing.

Entertainment: 1.5

Sadly, it’s too boring to be a good bad movie – it’s just terrible!